Anoreksija – siaubinga liga, kuri eina koja kojon su depresija. Viena jauna mergina iš Šveicarijos Julia Janssen pasidalijo savo širdį veriančia ir bauginančia istorija.

Mergina tikina, kad viskas prasidėjo, kai jai buvo vos 13 metų, tačiau visiškai badauti pradėjo tik po dar dvejų metų. Julia jaudinosi, kad per brandą pasikeitęs kūnas pakeis jos gyvenimą. Ji bijojo užaugti, todėl kontroliavo savo gyvenimą tik jai suprantamu būdu, t. y. badavo. Dabar 24-erių mergina supranta, koks baisus tai buvo pasirinkimas.

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Sometimes I wonder how I am even still alive… Do you see that yellow color to my skin in the left picture? That is because my liver was failing. Everything inside my body was failing. The thing about anorexia is…you don't just "get skinny". Your organs literally start to rot inside of you. Everything from your skin to your heart, your kidneys and your bones will fall apart. It is neither pretty nor glamorous. Losing control over all your bodily functions at such a young age is not glamorous. And there is nothing pretty about your mother's sobbing eyes as she has to watch her child die right in front of her eyes. The picture on the left was still many kilograms above my lowest weight but when I look at it, I still wonder: How the hell am I even still alive? Thank you body for not failing me during all these years. I won't fail you this time, I promise❤❤❤

A post shared by Julia Lucy Hope (@julia_lucy_hope) on Oct 2, 2017 at 11:33am PDT

Julia prarasdavo sąmonę, jai kuokštais slinko plaukai, krito dantys, streikuodavo šlapimo pūslė. Jai visada buvo šalta, tad oda atrodė tarsi mėlyna. Mergina pasakojo, kad klubų kaulai jai draskydavo odą, todėl atsirasdavo žaizdų.

„Blogiausiai etapais nė negalėdavau pati nusiprausti po dušu ar išsišukuoti plaukų, lipti laiptais. Buvau itin silpna“, – vienam užsienio naujienų portalų atskleidė Julia.

Vargšelė bijojo, kad priaugs svorio vos palietusi maistą, tad nei valgydavo, nei gerdavo. Kai žmonės ėmė tai pastebėti, Julia pradėjo maistą slėpti ausyse ir plaukuose.

[instagram:https://www.instagram.com/p/BZwX6dXB8b8/]

„Aš dariau viską. Eidavau pasivaikščioti 2 valandą ryto porai valandų, kur tik įmanoma slėpdavau maistą, meluodavau artimiausiems žmonėms tiesiai į akis. Jei kažkas stebėdavo, kaip valgau, kad nesukčiaučiau, paslėpdavau sviestą ausyse ar plaukuose. Maistas atsidurdavo mano kišenėse, už sofos ar rankinėje. Sugadina daugybę mėgstamų rankinių, nes vis slėpdavau ten maisto produktus“, – atvirai pasakojo mergina.

Kai medikai perspėjo, kad dėl tokio gyvenimo būdo mergina gali ir mirti, ji viską apvertė aukštyn kojomis. Norėdama, kad tėvams netektų jos laidoti, mergina pradėjo maitintis ir lankytis pas specialistus. Nors jos kūno svoris vis dar per mažas, Julia stengiasi pagaliau mylėti save tokią, kokia yra.

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Okay to say that it is terrifying to post this would be a serious understatement, but here we go: First full body picture since my last relapse. 10+ kg, so many tears, sleepless nights and a lot of growing and feeling and holding on between these two pictures. The weight on the right picture is the highest I have been in over 7 years and yes this is absolutely terrifying. But here I am. Not where I want or need to be yet, but closer than ever. ❤??❤??❤

A post shared by Julia Lucy Hope (@julia_lucy_hope) on Sep 25, 2017 at 11:33am PDT

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2014 -> 2017 Can everybody with an eating disorder recover 100%? Can everybody get to the point where they no longer waste any though on weight / calories etc ? Can everybody really become completely healthy? I honestly don't know. And this has been one of the major reasons why I kept "postponing" my recovery efforts. If I do something,  I do it 100% or not at all. I have always been like that. So if I maybe can never recover 100%, if this disorder maybe will always remain a small part of my life, then even attempting to recover clearly is a waste of time right? If I cannot get 100% healthy, then I'd better be the sickest I can possibly be, right? Well…no. Not at all actually. I don't know whether a full recovery is possible for everybody, I don't know whether it is possible for me, but I am absolutely 100% certain, that EVERYBODY CAN IMPROVE THEIR CURRENT SITUATION. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US. So let's say worrying about "eating disorder stuff" takes up 100% of your time and energy atm, there is no place for anything other than the disorder. It is already a world's difference if even 5 or 10% of your life can be filled by something else. EVERY SINGLE STEP COUNTS. I was at the point where anorexia was 95% of my life on my good days, and 100% on my bad days. Now this disorder still makes up about 85% of my life,  BUT THAT IS OVER 10% OF MY LIFE THAT I GOT BACK! THIS IS HUGE! The thing is, you cannot possibly know where recovery will take you in the end. You cannot know whether one day, this illness will really play no part at all in your life, but it doesn't even matter. Focus on what you can do today that leads to a better tomorrow. Aim for 100% recovery and even if you end up at 90%, you will still be so incredibly fucking far from where you are now. You know what they say: Shoot for the moon and if you fail, you will still end up somewhere among the stars.?⭐ That sums up recovery perfectly.???

A post shared by Julia Lucy Hope (@julia_lucy_hope) on Sep 17, 2017 at 11:20am PDT

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YOU CANNOT JUDGE THE SEVERITY OF AN EATING DISORDER BY LOOKING AT SOMEBODY. When recovering from anorexia, the first essential step is starting to gain weight. But the thing I struggle with (and I hear many others struggling with) is that you will LOOK healthier a lot sooner than you will FEEL healthier. Don't get me wrong, restoring weight IS CRUCIAL. I firmly believe that you cannot fully recover from an ED without gaining weight, but being at a normal weight doesn't necessarily mean that you are healthy. And I have to be honest, especially on my days where I struggle a lot mentally, IT SUCKS to hear "oh you look so much better!". I know that people mean well, I really do, but a huge part of me goes like"wait what?? I am still sick!" And my ED wants to lose weight again to prove to the world that it still exists… It is a struggle that has no easy solution. My only advice is: To the people who know somebody who struggles with eating/body image issues: it is completely fine to express that you are happy that your loved one has gained weight, it is a totally appropriate reaction. But be careful not to assume that this means that they are no longer going through an incredibly difficult time. Don't jump to conclusions. Tell them that you STILL care and that their weight gain doesn't change your relationship with them. Losing people because you are "no longer sick enough to deserve love and support" is often one of the biggest fears of recovering anorexics (at least in my experience). Or don't say anything and offer a hug, that often goes a long way. To the people also suffering from an ED: YOU DO NOT NEED TO PROVE YOUR MENTAL STRUGGLES BY SHRINKING YOURSELF INTO NOTHINGNESS. I know being emaciated has been your way of telling the world "hey look at me, I need help". But you don't need to do that. You have a voice to use and that is enough!

A post shared by Julia Lucy Hope (@julia_lucy_hope) on Sep 4, 2017 at 11:31am PDT

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